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Please Read This First

Ah now, lookit. If you’re easily offended or of tender years, please turn away now. On the other hand, if you enjoy classic jokes that are intended for an adult audience, then you’re in luck! ;)

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School Answering Machine Message

Labor Day falls on the first Monday of September and is a public holiday in the United States and Canada. In many other countries, however, today has an altogether unpleasant connotation: back to school. :'(

To cheer up any schoolgoers (and teachers) out there, here is the transcript of an automated message supposedly placed on the telephone answering system by the teachers at Palisades Charter High School back in 2002.

It all started when the teachers were prevented from failing students for chronic absenteeism, despite the school’s strict attendance policy. The putative answering machine message was a reaction to the fiasco, as well as a general expression of the frustration experienced by teachers when dealing with students and parents. This snopes.com article separates the facts of the story from urban legend.

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The Prejudice Song

The 5th annual Irish Redhead Convention starts today in Crosshaven, Co Cork, and runs until Sunday. Themed events include the carrot tossing championships and the most freckles per square inch contest. The organisers will also be raising money and awareness for the Irish Cancer Society throughout the weekend.

I wish all involved the best of luck. They’re going to need it. Because life as a redhead isn’t easy, if The Prejudice Song by Australian comedian Tim Minchin is anything to go by. ;)

PS: You might also like to watch Tim Minchin perform his 9-minute beat poem Storm which describes his heroic but doomed efforts to explain his rational outlook to a hippy at a dinner party.

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A Mass of Contradictions

Oxford Dictionaries issued a press release today announcing the latest update to its free online dictionary of English available at OxfordDictionaries.com. Reflecting current language usage trends, new entries include:

  • adorbs, adj: adorable
  • binge-watch, verb: to watch a whole season of a TV show in one sitting
  • icymi, abbrev: in case you missed it
  • listicle, noun: an article on the web presented in the form of a list
  • humblebrag, verb: to make an obstensibly modest statement whose actual purpose is to draw attention to something of which one is proud

Which segues nicely to a collecction of over 160 oxymorons I’ve assembled for your perusal. And I am a little bit proud of them, tbh. ;) Although I must admit I plundered many of them from oxymorons.info, but by no means all! There are explanatory links to some of the more obscure entries, and no, they’re not all to Wikipedia. :P

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NASA Fakes Moon Landing! Photographic Proof!

Today is the 45th anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing. To this day, there are some people who maintain it never happened, that NASA faked the whole thing.

In August, 2001, a friend sent me a link to a web page that mercilessly lampooned the conspiracy theories surrounding the moon landings. It contained a series of photos and paragraphs. The photos became increasingly ridiculous while the accompanying paragraphs supposedly debunking the photos grew ever more fixated on alleged inconsistencies. The progressively wider contrast between the absurd photos and the paranoid “explanatory” text was almost painfully funny.

Unfortunately, in 2003, some morons defaced the webpage and the site owner never restored it to its original condition. I thought it had been lost forever, but then I stumbled across a copy of the original page, retrieved from the Internet Archive and lovingly restored by Pigeon. So here it is again in all its scathing glory! :)

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San Fransisco Man Becomes First American to Grasp Significance of Irony

The link above is to one of my favourite jokes, and is dedicated to anyone reading this in the US on Independence Day. :)

It relies on the widely-held perception on this side of the pond that many Americans have difficulty appreciating irony. Surely not! ;)

Originally published in May, 2001, on the defunct UK-based satirical herdofsheep.com. Fortunately, the website was preserved for posterity by the Internet Archive’s Wayback Machine.