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Please Read This First

Ah now, lookit. If you’re easily offended or of tender years, please turn away now. On the other hand, if you enjoy classic jokes that are intended for an adult audience, then you’re in luck! ;)

Please feel free to leave a comment (be nice!) or like a post. You can also share any of the jokes here on social media. And I’d encourage you to follow the blog (see Follow widget in right sidebar). You will receive an email notification whenever a new post is published. Lastly, don’t hesitate to contact me by email or on Twitter (see Contact widget).

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Jo’s Guide for Americans Visiting Britain

The web page linked to above is 18 years old today… which is appropriate because it should come with a Strictly Over 18s warning! ;)

Often circulated with the spurious claim that:

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline, “Advice For Tourists.” By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people…

I could find no evidence to back this up.

Jo Miller, the original author, also wrote 25 Things AboutYou, which is a parody of the Facebook 25 Random Things About Me meme that went viral in January, 2009. Worth a read, but again, adults only!

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Psychiatric Hotline

World Mental Health Day was first celebrated in 1992 and is observed on the 10th of October every year with the aim of raising awareness of mental health issues around the world.

The Day provides an opportunity for mental health stakeholders to talk about their work, and what needs to be done to make mental health care a reality for everyone…

It’s also a poor excuse for me to post a link to a transcript of an alleged psychiatric hotline that’s been floating around in various forms for nearly 20 years. The Trust Me, I’m a “Psychologist” website has the most complete version I could find. Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged can also be found there.

In questionable taste, perhaps, but the comments on the Hotline and Christmas Carols pages were mostly positive. And a good sense of humour is a sure sign of a healthy mind. ;)

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Mouse Found on Mars

India’s Mangalyaan spacecraft reached Mars and successfully went into orbit today. The probe will scan the Martian atmosphere for methane, an indicator of life.

The mission cost $74 million—less than the Hollywood movie Gravity, and a mere 11% of the $672 million spent on NASA’s Maven probe which took up orbit around the Red Planet on Monday. o_O

And speaking of inexpensive discoveries to do with Mars, here’s a visual gag that dates back to January, 2000. The punchline is a simple image comprised of everyday objects, but arranged in such a daft way, you can’t help but laugh!

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Mossie Quinn’s Enigmatic Grin

Kerry defeated Donegal by 2–9 to 0–12 in the All-Ireland Senior Football Championship Final today at Croke Park to win the title for the 37th time. >:(

The other 31 counties’ only consolation in the face of the Kingdom’s footballing hegemony is to make Kerrymen the butt of our jokes. The following is a prime example. It’s been floating around since early 2003 and made me laugh out loud all over again when I dredged it up from the archives. XD

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School Answering Machine Message

Labor Day falls on the first Monday of September and is a public holiday in the United States and Canada. In many other countries, however, today has an altogether unpleasant connotation: back to school. :'(

To cheer up any schoolgoers (and teachers) out there, here is the transcript of an automated message supposedly placed on the telephone answering system by the teachers at Palisades Charter High School back in 2002.

It all started when the teachers were prevented from failing students for chronic absenteeism, despite the school’s strict attendance policy. The putative answering machine message was a reaction to the fiasco, as well as a general expression of the frustration experienced by teachers when dealing with students and parents. This snopes.com article separates the facts of the story from urban legend.

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The Prejudice Song

The 5th annual Irish Redhead Convention starts today in Crosshaven, Co Cork, and runs until Sunday. Themed events include the carrot tossing championships and the most freckles per square inch contest. The organisers will also be raising money and awareness for the Irish Cancer Society throughout the weekend.

I wish all involved the best of luck. They’re going to need it. Because life as a redhead isn’t easy, if The Prejudice Song by Australian comedian Tim Minchin is anything to go by. ;)

PS: You might also like to watch Tim Minchin perform his 9-minute beat poem Storm which describes his heroic but doomed efforts to explain his rational outlook to a hippy at a dinner party.

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A Mass of Contradictions

Oxford Dictionaries issued a press release today announcing the latest update to its free online dictionary of English available at OxfordDictionaries.com. Reflecting current language usage trends, new entries include:

  • adorbs, adj: adorable
  • binge-watch, verb: to watch a whole season of a TV show in one sitting
  • icymi, abbrev: in case you missed it
  • listicle, noun: an article on the web presented in the form of a list
  • humblebrag, verb: to make an obstensibly modest statement whose actual purpose is to draw attention to something of which one is proud

Which segues nicely to a collecction of over 160 oxymorons I’ve assembled for your perusal. And I am a little bit proud of them, tbh. ;) Although I must admit I plundered many of them from oxymorons.info, but by no means all! There are explanatory links to some of the more obscure entries, and no, they’re not all to Wikipedia. :P

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